Initially, I wanted to write about our Christmases with my parents, with Bronson's parent's and of course, with our own little family. But after thinking about it for a while, I decided I would only write what was really on my heart. First and foremost, Bronson and I are extremely blessed! We had such a great time at my mom's house. We enjoyed being around my brother and stepbrothers and their families. I miss my older brother, sister-in-law and their brood (they moved to New York two years ago). My in-laws are amazing! I couldn't have picked out a better family to marry in to. I love my dad and I'm so thankful he loves me how only a daddy can for his little girl.
I'm a little conflicted. It's hard for me to express my joy when there is so much pain surrounding us. I remember years past when I couldn't wait for Christmas to come around, but at the same time, it was the hardest season for me to endure. By no means will I ever compare my "suffering" with anyone else's; however, I just felt that I had to share what it was like for me prior to the triplets being born.
Since Bronson and I got married, I have been in a transformation. Let me explain....I accepted Jesus into my heart at a very early age. Unfortunately, by the time I was in my teen years, I had resisted the Holy Spirit for so long, I barely heard Him. I did things my way, and of course, my way was full of sin. It wasn't until I met Bronson when I realized I was living a lie. It was his parents, specifically his mom, that loved me back to Christ. Once we were married, I felt God tugging at my heart. I recommitted my life to Christ and started serving Him wholeheartedly. That's not to say I haven't slipped up every once in a while. But we're all sinners saved by grace, allowing His love to change us to be more like Him every day. I'm definitely not the same person I was 20 years ago (thank God!).
Although I had the joy of my salvation, I was becoming increasingly aware that Bronson and I were not conceiving. I didn't understand. Everyone around us were having babies galore. I knew that God gives us the desires of our hearts....not necessarily the manifestations of those desires, but the desires themselves. So, how could He give me the desire to have children, but not make it happen? Year after year would pass and I still had no child/children to show for it. The silence in our home became deafening. One thing I was extremely grateful for was that Bronson and I grew closer to each other instead of further apart. Typically couples divorce after there's been signs or diagnosis of infertility. Our relationship grew stronger and my faith grew deeper. I still had doubts from time to time but then I would be reminded in His Word that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Christmas was especially hard for me to enjoy prior to the triplets. I felt guilty that I could be so sad during this glorious time of year! It was our Savior's birth we were celebrating...what could be more wonderful than that?? But still, I had that ache in my heart. Some years, it was a little more than I could bear!
After twelve years of marriage and almost as long trying....we conceived (obviously!). And wouldn't you know, God gave us three (by the way, 3 has been my favorite number since I was a child...no kidding). Not only did He do that, but He gave them to us at Christmas. Second to His only Son, they are the best gifts I have ever received.
It's interesting how we can be so caught up in our circumstances that we fail to see with our eyes and hearts the bigger picture. The gift of salvation that is right before us. No other gift can compare to that of eternal life. I can't imagine my life without knowing Jesus. I can't imagine living this life, enduring heartaches, seeing the pain in the world, losing loved ones, and just breathing without Him. But so many people do it every day. My life is much sweeter knowing Him, not just knowing of Him. The gift is available to everyone. All you have to do is accept it. The blessings He brings far outweigh the thrill of a worldly life. Think about it. I had both....and I choose Him.
(The pic above is the triplets decorating a birthday cake for Jesus).